I just got back from a really good 9th Step meeting tonight.
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We talked about our experiences with making amends; with or without sponsors direction/guidance, with or without using the word "sorry", with or without staying on your own side of the street, with or without getting clear on the harm, with or without making a huge production out of it, with or without describing the spiritual nature of the visit, etc.
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Some of the most helpful items discussed in the meeting for me was finding ways of getting clear on the harm. Some of us use Sacraments of Pennance in our 8th Step to help of find the harm we caused and we also use it to find it in us to have a contrite heart if we are to follow through with the amend. But if we're not clear on the harm, we are all pretty much of the belief that we don't make the amend. Another suggestion is to place yourself in their shoes. How would you react to that person if they treated you the way you treated them? Another suggestion is to just ask the questions, "How did you fuck them?" and "How did you try to stick it to them/ retaliate?"
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I've been bantering with a person on a forum I frequent, someone who hates A.A. and has an axe to grind with A.A. folks as her husband seems to not have done too well with the Program. She suggests that we alcoholics, drunk or sober, are self-absorbed assholes all of the time and to run away from some assholic A.A.er trying to make an amend to you because they are victims looking for a way to stick it to you again, and twist the knife while it's in. She says we duck responsibility and that's pretty much that.
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I told her that her description of alcoholic seems to be a sociopath or a psychopath who just so happens to drink again. She said how her ex blacked out, abused his children, etc., then in the morning, said that he didn't feel the least bit bad about what he might have done the night prior because he can't remember it so he is thus off the hook.
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Drunk or sober, I feel like shit the next day after I cause someone else harm, and you?
I follow that thread too. She has been deeply hurt by her alky, but she has a hard time owning her side of it. I was glad to see that she calls herself an Alanon. I just don't see a lot of Alanon recovery, otherwise, she would probably have let go of the negative pain a long time ago. Resentment is nothing more than unresolved pain and she will stay in that pain until such time as she works the Alanon 12 Steps for her own release.
ReplyDeleteNow we have a new thread on SR about Step 9. I believe a newcomer needs to get to Step 9 ASAP.
ReplyDeleteClarence Snyder would take 'em thru in 1 day.
Why- Because that is where 12 Promises are, also known as recovery. Lets make newcomers analyze each step, ad infinitum so they can get drunk before they experience the relief of real recovery. I even heard a guy say he would work one step per year. He forgot that the first 3 steps are not work steps.
I hear ya.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to find good willing alkys these days.
If they were willing and whooped by booze, they would hardly have to be told.
Imagine a guy on the oncology ward when the doc tells him he's got cancer on one of his nuts. He wouldn't be saying "I think I got this. I'm going to work my own plan and I'll ring you if I need help." No, he's more likely to beg the doctor for what he needs to do next.
Unfortunately the girl in your story has a view that's a little tainted from dealing with an alcoholic that's full of shit when it comes to his recovery. In fact, there may be a little more to his problem than alcoholism. Like narcissism. The funny thing is that she suggests that you run from an AA who is making amends. Like, how many has she seen? One perhaps? I've found that if you're an active member of AA who has sat down and written an inventory to identify your defects, made a list of people you have harmed and actually went out and made your amends, you can call yourself a 1%er. You're in the minority. Yet your friend in the other forum has seen enough of them to form an opinion like that? Apparently her Alanon program needs a little work too.
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