Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day and the little brown mouse;

It was Thanksgiving Day and a little brown mouse sit busily working alone in her house…

The little mouse children had gone out to play with the brown mouse’s children just over the way…

She put on her apron and went to the shelf, and said to herself, “I’ll just help myself.”

She cooked and she sliced and she brought out the cheese, and then she exclaimed, “a tart if you please.”

The little mouse children came in from their play… they nibbled and ate, not a crumb did they leave on the table or plate.

And I heard them exclaim, as they ran out to play, “It’s the loveliest kind of a Thanksgiving Day.”

- RIP Aunt Lela and Cousin Linda

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 5, 2012


I've been thinking about this with relation to the steps... namely living the spiritual life from the perspective of the steps.

"... absence of profit motive..."

"... And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved something or somebody?"

"... But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are not sorry, and our conduct cotinues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink."

"... You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."

"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives..."

So, setting the consideration of our motives aside, what does the spiritual life look like? Well, I think it looks like action.

Corny as it may seem, JOY... Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last is effective. It works. It's moral... yada yada. If you can get to that spot, great. Some folks do it without thought. That's just what they do.

These are the type of folks who perhaps don't need yearly inventory. But... what about the rest of us?

For me, doing the next right thing or helping someone else out is often something I don't want to do...something I may perhaps dread. But it often times leads to that feeling of peace and contentedness.

Sometimes doing the next right thing may feel like shit and not seem to lead anywhere. Have we ever placed ourselves in a position to become harmed or threatened? I sure have.

Could I say I may have done this due to a bad motive... a selfish one or one designed to get my way... to control and/or dominate another? This sort of thing has a way of happening to some folks. But we remember what the books says; "But our problems we think are of our own making."

I'm tired now. I hope this post makes sense to somebody somewhere.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Anger... How do we deal with this via the 12 Steps?

I'm not talking about resentment here, but anger. How do we deal with it when it crops up? Are we to ask God to remove it? Should we be automatically free of anger due to our "proper" taking of the steps? Does taking the steps make you sinless? Anger is yippie skippy until the person you disagree with is using it, right? Oh I get it now. Just another debating technique.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Is it moral?

Is it moral? Well, what is moral? The definition that my group has taught me to operate from is this; does it work? Well does it?

If you can roll drunks and stay sober, do it.

If y'all can stay sober by being a flipping do-gooder, do it.

Best boss I ever had in my life told me, "If you can worship a rock and that works for you, I'm fine with it."

I wish some of you Big Book Thumpers out there could fathom this wisdom much less make use of it.

I'd rather have this motr secular stance shoved down my throat than your holier-than-thou Christian/White-only-Pie bullshit live-off-my-rich-wife-while-I- "Professionally Write-edness".

But hey. I'm not judging here. This is just me.

If that works for you, then get down.

Tell me again about all the wonderful things you do... and all of the wonderful other diseases besides the malady of alcoholism that you've graciously recovered from.  We'll write a book on humility together.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Yearly Inventory

Book talks about yearly inventory with one simple word;


Question; how many businesses do you know that get by on one inventory?

Well let's just 10th step it.

Don't think so.

Did something happen to you when you last went through 4 to 9?

Well if so why the fuck would you want to deny yourself of that now?

If you've got 20 years sober in A.A. and got by on one inventory, then you're not sober with 20 years. What you've got is 6 months repeated 40 times.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

We never apologize for God

In A.A., do you anti/non Christians feel it necessary to express your intolerance and disdain for a certain sect of religion... although it just so happens to be anothers conception of God?

It's my preference to keep my concept of God generic out of respect of differing veiwpoints but should I shit a biscuit if someone evolks the name of their unique God or non-God because it should offend me?

I think not.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

3 Column inventory vs. 4 column inventory

Resentful at;______________ The cause;_________________ Affects my;________________

I know full well what the book says... we got this down on paper... on black and white... yada yada.

But what do you truly get out of writing down your part?

Can the ego really let you see your part before you've read this to another human being and in the presence of God?

Have you ever done just a three column inventory? I've done 3 columns 4 columns and checklist inventories.

What's your experience with these?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Disillusioned by "good meetings".

I went to a couple of other meetings this week and found them to be man-made attempts to achieving discipline and rather controlled and contrived.

In the nooner, they all but told you what to say, how to say, and when to say it... after they whipped out a 20 minute display of instructions and rules.

Evidently, it's God's job to micromanage your life.

In the other group, a fine bunch of folks who hadn't got to see me in some half a year. They appeared warm and welcoming... like they'd missed me.

Then they proceeded to lecture the group on how I do 4th Steps wrong... what with our crazy 3 column inventory and all.

If you feel the need to call yourself names, conclude and give your ego hoops to jump through... have at it.

See ya in another 6 months... maybe.

Saturday, July 28, 2012


How do you obtain Power? When and if you receive Power, how do you use it?

In the spiritual realm, we are all connected. So when I am succeeding, the world is blessed.

There's nothing wrong with, nor is there anything selfish about my needs being met. When I'm receiving Power and using it to solve my problem, all my problems get solved and then not only am I available to help/serve you... but I'm also not some schmuck standing at an intersection begging you for booze money.

Friday, July 20, 2012

God Bless Aurora Colorado today

Domestic terrorism struck an Aurora Colorado movie theater today.

God Bless the family and friends of the deceased, speedy recovery to the injured, and rip to the victims.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Lord's Prayer and the existence of alcoholic Jews

Yup, I'll admit it.  Sober Recovery forums inspired this topic.  Forgive me if you will.

My take?  It's a Christian prayer.  If it's in the group conscience to say it at the end of the meeting, who are you to bitch about it?  If you don't like the prayer, shut the bleep up, vote with your feet, and go form your anti-Christ meeting someplace else.

Instead of getting into the A.A. traditions and the violations of demonstrating some Christianity in an A.A. meeting, let's consider the spirit of the deal, shall we?  I don't think it's so much about cramming Christianity up anybody's ass as it's utilizing a wonderful prayer to close up a meeting.  Listen to the words in the prayer and see what they mean to you.  Do not the tennants of the prayer transcend any "brand" of religion and cite spiritual ideals that we can all put to use and practice? 

Our Father, which art in heaven.  Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.  Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.  And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. 
And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil;
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, for ever and ever.


I love this prayer and this prayer is why I believe that Jesus and Christianity kicks the dog-fuck out of all other religions.  An eye for an eye?  Really?  Strap bombs to yourself?  Wow.  Not to say the United States of America is acting so Christian when they/we meddle in Middle East affairs... if someone smites you, give them our left cheek as well, and if someone persecutes you to go a mile, go with him twine and all that shit.  Sounds to me like the US of A goes Old Testament once in a while.

I have an A.A. book that says we are to "see where religious people are right and to make use of what they offer."  Not to piss and moan about it being the wrong brand and that if I say a Christian prayer, I'll get Jesus Cooties and be damned to Eternal Damnation.

The prayer has some good stuff in it and if you don't like it, I encourage you to ask yourself why.  It perfectly states many of the paradoxes of life and a path to the spiritual life which the A.A. program is all about. 

If you're an atheist or an anti-Christ, I say you should try something besides A.A. anyway, because you'll never make it past the 2nd Step if you don't change your mind and waste the time and thankless love poured onto you from a potential sponsor.

Are you a fucking Alcoholic or are you a fucking Atheist or are you a fucking Jew?  Make up your mind.  If you're a Jew, wonderful!  Why do you drink too much?  Missing something?  Maybe your faith can save you.  Why go to A.A.?  Tell the courts it's against your religion and find an alternative.

Now... to the Jew-Alcoholic thing.  I personally have seen a Jew in A.A. before.  He was from Denver and his name was Gene.  He was a crazy fuck.  A loveable and crazy smart pious fuck!  He was also a recovered alcoholic.  He one time helped me to experience Jesus Christ when I was in the spiritual desert.  Figure that one out.

I believe the tennants of "Under the Influence by James Robert Milam and Katherine Ketcham.  They say that Italians and Jews are alcoholic, but minimally... as in down to the baseline 10%, whereas other cultures have it more prevalently... like the Native American and American Eskimos.  The premise is that the former have been around alcohol many thousands of years, like maybe 7500+ years, whereas, the latter has been around the strong distilled liquor some few or several hundred years, so their alcoholics have not died off yet... to get to that baseline of 10%

If you don't believe that, great. You and I disagree.

If you forgo a meeting because they say the Lord's Prayer, I say too bad.  I knew a guy who was Christian and had a hard time with the prayer because people fucked it up.  They said it wrong, so he never recited the prayer.  He meditated during the prayer instead. 

He was right about them saying it wrong.  I react differently.  I say the prayer rightly as y'all say it wrong, but I don't make a big fucking deal about it.

Selfish self-centered egocentric fucks.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

But obviously, we can't transmit something we haven't got.

So... what should we get?

Go get "it", right?

What is it?

To me, it is the fact that I don't want to drink booze nor do I want to do drugs/pills. 

Then the book goes on to say something about "See to it that your relationship with Him is right..."

"... and great events will come to pass for you and countless others."

-The Great Fact

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Willful vs Willing

What do you think of that for a topic?

The caveat is, you have to describe it as it applies to you now... not someone else nor a "less sober" you.

Anybody want to discuss?

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Page 69

...and now about sex.

I'm on a straight pepper diet myself. How about y'all?

My first wife and I met in a bar. I was on the wagon at the time and just there to socialize and play pool.

She was evidently there to drink... and meet guys like me. So we married and I drank again and it was wonderful... until the State of Colorado told me yet again... that I ought to do something about my drinking.

So off to A.A. and I got sober. As I sobered up we grew apart and she left my sober ass. That's right.

Funny thing happened though... I drank over the bitch which was unnessessary... and I sobered up again... went back to a bar... to play pool and socialize... and I met "Her". MrsGowdog. She liked the sober me so I married her... because she liked me. What a fucking concept, huh? Today, I befriend people who like me... and who arent sick-fuck dickholes. A.A. taught me this.

Well as she found out about my past and what a drinker I was... she decided to inform me that if I'd ever pull that shit on her, I or she would be out the door and that would be it.

Well that didn't matter to me because I was sober... for going on three years.

But I drank again. I called her from jail and reminded her what she had said. She changed her mind. She told me that I knew what I needed to do... get back to A.A. and get sober again. So that's what I did and here we are 13 years later and me continuously sober 8 plus years.

BTW, she's never seen me drunk because me being the real alcoholic that I am knows to not shit where you sleep... even while enibriated.

Y'all maybe different from me... but that's y'alls problem not mine.

Monday, May 28, 2012

To those of you who left A.A. ...

... or at least left a particular A.A. group... for whatever reason.

Is there a right/wrong way to do it?

I'm called to approach the person who is leaving our group... or A.A. in general... and at least ask why.  But more importantly... I'm called to offer them a piece of advice.  Don't just leave the group... or leave the program... and go nowhere.  Land somewhere.  Have a plan of what you will do instead.

If you've done this, what would you say about this advice?  If you agree with it, what is that other "thing" you aimed toward or went after?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

If you were to chair an A.A. meeting tonight, what would your topic be?

Maybe recite or recall a current and relevant passage out of the 164, state your current experience with it and/or the step it entails and share your current esh (experience strength and hope).

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Good A.A. Group

Went to my Monday Night tonight.  Good meeting.  We had a guy from out of town and one of his protege's.

He liked our meeting format and seemed to really like our crossfire.

He travels a lot.  He said he'd been to many meetings in the DC area.  I asked him after the meeting about where he lived in the Beltway area.  He then told me that he travels a lot to there.  He lives in Lakewood near Denver not far from where I once lived.  I then asked him if he attended a certain meeting or group in the area.  He named off his group and I recognized it as the best meeting in the club and the only step-doing meeting in the whole place.

I asked if so-and-so was still around.  He said, yeah... in fact she runs the club too. 

I was happy to hear this.  Good things happen to good groups who do good things sometimes.  Hope the same is true for our little group.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


4.With respect to its own affairs, each A.A. group should be responsible to no other authority than its own conscience. But when its plans concern the welfare of neighboring groups also, those groups ought to be consulted. And no group, regional committee, or individual should ever take any action that might greatly affect A.A. as a whole without conferring with the trustees of the General Service Board. On such issues our common welfare is paramount.

This was our topic tonight and we got a pretty good meeting out of it.  We talked about how the individual is a very unique person, as is any given group.  A group ought to have a solid group conscience built up on what the group needs... as well it ought to stand for something and really aim to get somewhere.  Our aim is an improved life and doing well, aka having a life worth living and keeping ourselves from getting blocked from the Power of God in our lives.

We, unlike some who consider A.A. to be anarchy, consider A.A. to be an autocracy where that ruling Power is a loving God expressed in our group conscience.

We do things different than any other group in the world... as we should.  We are vaguely similar to a big group from Denver of which some of us once attended.  A group that splintered off from us is like us in some ways... much better than us at many things... but different.  We 12-step differently.  We do steps differently.  in numbers, fellowship, etc., they are far superior to us.  But when it comes to simplicity and focusing on the steps and personal growth, I like our little group.  We even refer new people to "their" group.  I don't think they reciprocate.  But, that's ok.  We ain't a popularity contest.  I think both groups do good things. 

There are many groups in our town that I absolutely disagree with... but I still like the people and wish them well.

My current definition of "autonomy" as it was expressed in our meeting topic tonight/last night is this; self governing without coercion.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Identification... aka Trad 3... Long Form

So... pardon us Nazi-type intolerant Step-Thumpers for a moment... but what do y'all think of this Recovery Soup type meeting and all?

I'm seeing it envogue not just in my neck of the woods... but yours as well... to come to the meeting and bring whatever ails you to the 12 steps.

Over-eaters? Sex addicts? OCDers? What is this, anyway?

Evidently, we've got folks who drive around in cars... sober... and stress out over whether or not they just drove over a baby or not. Of course they hadn't... but they just fear that they have.

And they want to sit in a meeting with us and hear how we're overcoming drinking ourselves to death on booze.

But then the non-Nazi-type intolerant Step-Thumpers will say, "Oh! Oh! Oh! But alcohol is NOT the problem! It's merely the symptom!" What say you about this?

Monday, April 16, 2012


Willingness. What does it mean to you?

We can look at willingness when embarking on a spiritual path... a willingness to turn loose of an objectionable defect of character... willingness to give up trying to control the situation or outcome... etc.

What does willingness mean to you now or with regards to the steps?

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Spirituality vs Religion

OK pilgrims, step aside for your lesson on Spiritual vs Religious.



Saturday, March 31, 2012

Entering into a new relationship with my Creator

Am I willing to do this now?

Is it even necessary?

What would it now look like? Would it be a matter of letting go of rather than adding on to?

Where am I with submission, discipline, obedience? Two types of discipline... one that's imposed upon me... one I don't do well with... and one that I decide into... in a 3rd Step sort of way... one I intend.

I'm loving this retreat and think I'll go on a hike.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

What's your favorite prayer?

Pretty simple request... give us your favorite prayer or one currently in your consciousness... or go find us one.

Here, I'll start;

Disturb us Lord

When we are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true... because we have dreamed too little...

When we have arrived safely...
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us Lord... when with the abundance of things we possess...
We have lost our thirst for the waters of life...

Having fallen in love with life, we have ceased to dream of eternity...
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision of the New Heaven to dim.

Disturb us Lord, to dare more boldly, to venture on wider seas...
Where storms will show your Mastery...

Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back the Horizons of our Hopes...
And to push into the future... in strength, courage, hope, and love.

Attributed - Sir Francis Drake -1577

Have fallen in love with life

Sunday, March 25, 2012


A thought that’s been running through my mind lately: Why me? Or even, why us?

Everyone walks into the rooms for their first meeting. Very few stick around. What is about those of us who do? I’m no more intelligent than the next person. I’ve seen people walk through the doors who were in a lot worse shape than I was when I first came in. They wanted to stop drinking as I did.

But they didn’t stick around. Or, if they did, it was step 3 and out. I stuck around.

I’ve heard various answers to the question lately. “We were chosen” is one of them. Why was I “chosen”? Why not the next guy who’s still out there? Am among the elect or something? I have problems with this answer as I question whether God picks and chooses. Two people come into the rooms and only one stays. Is that because God likes one and not the other?

Maybe I just wanted sobriety more than the other guy, but I can’t speak for him. I have a friend who was in and out for years, praying for help in not drinking. He just killed himself a few months ago. My guess is that he was never able to get what he wanted. But I was.

I’ve seen people coming to the rooms because they were court-ordered, and they hated AA when they first arrived. Years later they’re sober and happy because of the program. Why did they stick around?

The floor is now open for discussion.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Recovered Alanon vs Unrecovered Alanon

I invite you to check out a conversation I'm having with a couple of alanons here and here about "alcoholism".

See if you can spot the unrecovered one;


Saturday, March 10, 2012


Gee, was Bill right all along? Picked this up from Time magazine's web site. It's not the complete article, but the rest is drivel about mushrooms and heroin. Just think, we can now tune in, turn on and drop out. Or something like that.

The psychedelic drug LSD can help people with alcoholism quit or cut back their drinking, according to a new analysis of data originally collected in the 1960s. The study adds to a renaissance of research interest in mind-expanding medications for psychiatric disorders.

Norwegian scientists conducted a meta-analysis, combining the results of six randomized trials that tested the effect of a single dose of LSD for alcoholism in 536 adults. Researchers found that 59% of participants who took acid either dramatically cut back their drinking or quit, compared with 38% of controls, who either took a much smaller dose of acid or used another drinking-prevention treatment. Only eight cases of adverse effects or “bad trips” were reported, none of them lasting longer than the high itself.

Earlier conclusions from the literature have suggested that LSD was not effective for alcoholism, but those results appear to e related to the fact that individual studies on the subject did not include enough participants to demonstrate significant differences between the groups.

“LSD had a significant beneficial effect on alcohol misuse at the first reported follow-up assessment,” write the authors of the new paper, published in the Journal of

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/09/lsd-may-help-treat-alcoholism/#ixzz1olrkWUh2

Psychopharmacology. “The effectiveness of a single dose of LSD compares well with the effectiveness of daily naltrexone [reVia, Vivitrol] acamprosate [Campral], or disulfiram [Antabuse].” Those are the drugs currently approved by the Food and Drug Administration to treat alcoholism.

MORE: ‘Magic Mushrooms’ Can Improve Psychological Health Long Term

The study found that the differences between LSD and control groups were statistically significant from two months to six months after treatment, but one year later, there was no longer a measurable improvement in those who had taken LSD. But given the persistence of alcoholism, it is perhaps more surprising that the effects of one dose of LSD lasted up to six months than it is that it would “wear off” a year later.

The treatment of alcoholism using LSD is not as unconventional as it may appear to the unitiated. In fact, AA co-founder Bill Wilson was an early advocate of acid treatment for alcohol abuse; unlike some of his followers, Wilson never believed that AA was the only way to deal with alcoholism. He took LSD himself, finding that the mind-expanding substance facilitated a similar spiritual state to the one that had helped him stop drinking in the first place. In his official AA biography, Pass It On, he’s quoted as saying:

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/09/lsd-may-help-treat-alcoholism/#ixzz1olruYDNJ

It is a generally acknowledged fact in spiritual development that ego reduction makes the influx of God’s grace possible. … I consider LSD to be of some value to some people, and practically no damage to anyone. It will never take the place of any of the existing means by which we can reduce the ego, and keep it reduced.

Similarly, the rationale for the treatment regimen used in some of the early LSD trials was that the powerful drug would “break down” alcoholics’ egos and thereby create a spiritual awakening. This was not supposed to be a fun or mellow trip.

MORE: ‘Magic Mushrooms’ Trigger Lasting Personality Change

For example, in one of the trials included in the current analysis, the patients were actually strapped to their beds within a therapeutic community, a setting that typically involves extensive confrontation and humiliation aimed at revising their personalities. Research now shows, rather unsurprisingly, that trying to annihilate people emotionally is dangerous and can lead to long-term damage, even when it’s done without a powerful hallucinogen. Previous studies on LSD suggest that researchers may have underestimated the drug’s potential by using it as part of a counterproductive therapeutic strategy.

Read more: http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/09/lsd-may-help-treat-alcoholism/#ixzz1ols68Ous

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ultimate Authority

Meeting on Monday night was on the 2nd tradition.

We discussed how and when we turn towards God as the Director of our lives... and how we do the same at the group level.

How do you know if your Group Conscience is in line with God's Will?  Where does minority opinion play in here?

Whom Governs your group?  Is it Central Office?  New York?  The members with some "time"?  How about the newcomer?  If it's God, then how does your group facilitate this?  Is it done through Group Conscience?  If so, how many of your group shows up for it's own Group Conscience?  Maybe it's in your meeting itself.  If so... if God and the Power is present in your meetings, do you show up at least once a week if you can?  Is there fire and passion in your meeting?  Do you bring good topics?  Do folks do steps in your group?  When someone doesn't show up does it hurt the group?  Does your group let you know how much you are missed when you don't make it?

Is it too much to ask to show up to a group meeting once per week?  Granted, I missed my homegroup for over 6 months.  They almost disbanded.  But they didn't.  My work schedule changed and I'm back.  I like to think that God and my intent to make it back may have had something to do with it. 

We had a new guy come check out our meeting a few weeks ago... and another one just this last week.  We'll see if any of them can make that dreaded 2nd meeting.  Our group is not too popular.  But for the size of the group, it packs a wallop of a punch.  I'd say there's a bit of heat.  But nothing like a group that's got say 40-50 people.

Monday, February 13, 2012


I chaired the meeting tonight and this was the topic. 


I'm talking about the forgiveness we do... in that 4th step.  Some folks use it when they call themselves names in their 4th column.  Some folks use it when they move from steps 6 and 7 on into steps 8 and 9. 

However you get there, the time will come where you have to face the person you've hated.  He kicked you in the balls or spat on you or... said you were wrong... or tried to control and dominate you.  Whatever it was.

But there comes a time when you have to settle the deal, own up to your part, and get past it.  It may be that you don't owe him an amend... or you're not ready to make it yet... or whatever.  But let's say, you've "taken the bit into your teeth" and you're going to sweep off your side of the street.

I wronged you.  This is what I did to you...  I rebelled against your authority... etc. etc. etc.  Then when it's done, "What can I do to set this right between us?"

If you've gotten this far... in my experience, you're usually free. 

You are no longer a victim.  You are now responsible.  You are free.  You are once again happy and at peace in your own skin and that guy who you hated is a new man... although he's the same.

Now, some folks refuse to do this.  They have a justified resentment... they do NOT owe an amend, and they see no need to forgive... nor does that bastard need praying for.  They are neither sick nor are they human.  They are wrong and to hell with them.  I feel sorry for those folks... especially when they were me.  They are entitled to their pain and they are not responsible.  They are right and they are the... victim.

Why do some folks refuse to get well?

What's your current experience with forgiveness?

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Don C... Four Seasons of Recovery

Don C, all grown up.  I can't believe that I have not taken time to go see him.  Maybe he's been down to Pueblo and I didn't even know.  He couldn't live 50 miles from me. 

I like the way he describes the seasons of our recovery. 

Hopefully Jim will weigh in on this.  He has a common sponsor, I believe.

Whitney... RIP.

I'm not going to eulogize her recent life.

I would like to call your attention to her rendition of the National Anthem back in 1991.

But her choice to be in a relationship with Bobby Brown and a call to kiss her black ass... is the other parts of her talented life.

I had heard she had tried rehab.

Is there such a thing as A.A. oriented rehab? Did rehab fail her? Why or why not?

Sunday, February 5, 2012

I have a resentment against hospitals and treatment centers

Specifically, Parkview Medical Center in Pueblo Colorado and some hospital in Denver Colorado... can't remember which one.

Why? They fucked me over monetarily. They screwed me and my family out of money and did so willingly and without remorse.

The first time it happened, I was at Metro State College at Denver and I was seeing ok one minute and the next minute, I had blind spots. I was living with my parents at the time as a full-time student. I went to the campus nurse and they were concerned about me so they sent me to the local hospital for a CT scan. Turns out I'm allergic to iodine. Turns out, I was probably just having a fucking migraine headache, my first to date at the time. The stupid fucks there kept asking me if I had taken cocaine or some shit. I had not. Months later, I'd have bills coming from collection agencies to pay off late radiologist bills and shit. The hospital did nothing for me except to give me an epinephrine shot to counteract the blood dye for the fucking CT scan. The ass fuckers didn't even diagnose my introduction to the occasional migraine. So... $800.00 later to fix my credit.

Fastforward to one of my latest drunks... the hotel incident. I tear apart part of a hotel in a drunken rage and make amends to the hotel manager... to the tune of 800 bucks. No problem. But multiply that figure by 10... and that's what Parkview took from me as my former employment HR department refused to pony up what a CDU in town overcharged me.

We've long since squared up those debts... but it pisses me off and makes me wonder.

They ought to teach a High School course and a Humanities College course on how to not get fucked in the ass financially. They ought to level with the student the long-term financial burden of such things as... going to the hospital/clinic/school nurse with your wallet open and without the aid of a good lawyer. They ought to level with the student the long-term financial burden attached to going out on that weekend binge, dating that stupid schmuck or who-whah...

My dad has an old adage I should have included into my HS and college studies... "A fool and his money are soon parted."

So how does this relate to an A.A. topic? ... foolish decisions... dangerous to alcoholics.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Tradition 1, Unity

Just got back from my homegroup meeting and the topic was Tradition 1.

1. Each member of Alcoholics Anonymous is but a small part of a great whole.  A.A. must continue to live or most of us will surely die.  Hence our common welfare comes first.  But individual welfare follows close afterward.

Gary chaired the meeting tonight and proposed this topic, as it's our new group conscience to bring the topic of the tradition of that month to our last meeting of that month.  Plus we hold our group conscience after the meeting on the last Monday of the month.

So in Gary's sharing of the topic, he discussed the importance of taking care of your group.  Now, several years ago, our group was getting pretty big.  Maybe 18-20 people and it was growing.  But our group become split on philosophy and there seemed to be split politics as well.  We started meeting with active and passive resistance.  Every group conscience became a struggle to change the thing into something else and some of us stood firm on the original group conscience.  So eventually, the group split.  The split was good for them and it was good for us.  We became a very small group... but a very focussed group and the fighting stopped.  The splinter group grew and flourishes today.  They have close to 30 folks.  But our group is about 4.  We had a new guy show up tonight and he likes our format... even the crossfire.

We don't have a GSR.  We don't contribute to area, the region, nor New York.  We do contribute some to the local CSO, but only to get our name listed in the area meeting list.  We give the rest of the money to the church we meet in.  We are dedicated to showing up, doing steps yearly, chairing meetings, participating in meetings and group consciences and if we get a 12 step call, we jump on that.  As a group, we don't do anything else at this time. 

Unconventional?  Probably.  Effective?  I'd say so.

To us, the still suffering alcoholic starts with the folks right there in our own group.  Anybody who is new to A.A. or to our group can become a part of that if they can maybe suggest they drank a little something... aka that they might be the Real McCoy, and that they want to do something about it.

I discussed my last year and the lack of meetings and how I couldn't make my homegroup commitment due to my work schedule and how I attempted to find a new home... to land elsewhere... and how that ultimately didn't work and how I got back to my homegroup.  Someone in the group crosstalked my share with the notion that "we shouldn't judge others" and stuff like that.  I brought the question up in crossfire, "Is it ever right to judge another person or group with respect to A.A. and if so, how should it be done.  But I asked Gary instead of the person the question was really directed at.  This indirect approach sometimes works best. 

What do you all think about that issue?  Is it ever right to judge another?  Specifically with regards to those we are doing spiritual work with?  "Judge not lest ye be judged."  What does that mean?  Is there a caveat that comes with that?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sanity... and how we get there.

So I got to chair my first meeting in probably over half a year.  I read some pages out of the book pertaining to sanity, specifically from pages 56 and 57, 70, and page 84;

Pg 56 and 57:
Thus was our friend's cornerstone fixed in place. No later vicissitude has shaken it. His alcoholic problem was taken away. That very night, years ago, it disappeared. Save for a few brief moments of temptation the though of drink has never returned; and at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him. Seemingly he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity. .

What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its elements are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his Maker then he knew


Pg 70:
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.

Pg 84:
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

Then I added a final bit from the end of chapter 6 from page 88;
We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.   
We alcoholics are undisciplined. So we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." The next chapter is entirely devoted to Step Twelve.

So I shared my recent experience with what sanity is to me and how I've used or attempted to use discipline to remain in that state.

A pretty good discussion ensued and a pretty good crossfire discussion as well.  Considerations were brought up such as;

"Do you feel you can be restored to sanity if you seemingly never knew sanity in the first place?"

"Have you ever worked with "God is my employer and if so, how so?"

"Can you engage in foolish decisions now and if so, will this mean you will wind up drunk?"

Sunday, January 8, 2012

What if... I/We walked away from A.A.?

Here you go Rob. Let's talk about this in all of its forms, shall we?

The only real experience I have with this is when I ... unknowingly at the time... picked a road out and went and drank booze.

But heck, I didn't need A.A. to blame for this because I did the same kind of thing when I "got sober" without A.A. in the past. I've gotten sober with and without A.A. with the full intent to never drink again, and went some time without booze and seemingly happy, content, etc. But the time came eventually where I drank for some seemingly trivial reason, a case of the fuck-its, the poor me's, etc.

I drank again because, I wanted to get laid and was nervous, because she left me, because I was offered a drink and somehow just said yes, because somebody stole my sale, because I was in California, because I was in Texas, because I "accidently" mistook rum and coke for coke, etc.

But what we're talking about here... is folks who do A.A. ... are sober and recovered in A.A. ... and just fed up with the goings on in the fellowship... or at whatever level they're fed up. Or maybe it's an internal thing.

But as RobB talks about, it's a matter of staying sober and continuing on a God-Centered path.

I brought up this notion... of "What if someone left A.A. and lead a God-centered life and stayed sober despite leaving A.A.?" at an after-A.A. diner get-together... and you'd a thought I ripped a fart during the wedding vows.

"WELL... I KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO LEFT A.A. ALL THE ONE'S I KNOW OF ARE DRUNK, DEAD, OR LOCKED UP!" Pretty much something to that effect. One gal said she knew some who did that and either drank or she just don't see them anymore... despite the fact she relocated to a town 120 miles south of where she got sober.

I credit you folks... my colleagues I've met in cyber-recovery... and the anti/XAers... who opened my eyes to some of the head-knodding-droolery and hypnosis that we can choose into and hopefully out of.