...and now about sex.
I'm on a straight pepper diet myself. How about y'all?
My first wife and I met in a bar. I was on the wagon at the time and just there to socialize and play pool.
She was evidently there to drink... and meet guys like me. So we married and I drank again and it was wonderful... until the State of Colorado told me yet again... that I ought to do something about my drinking.
So off to A.A. and I got sober. As I sobered up we grew apart and she left my sober ass. That's right.
Funny thing happened though... I drank over the bitch which was unnessessary... and I sobered up again... went back to a bar... to play pool and socialize... and I met "Her". MrsGowdog. She liked the sober me so I married her... because she liked me. What a fucking concept, huh? Today, I befriend people who like me... and who arent sick-fuck dickholes. A.A. taught me this.
Well as she found out about my past and what a drinker I was... she decided to inform me that if I'd ever pull that shit on her, I or she would be out the door and that would be it.
Well that didn't matter to me because I was sober... for going on three years.
But I drank again. I called her from jail and reminded her what she had said. She changed her mind. She told me that I knew what I needed to do... get back to A.A. and get sober again. So that's what I did and here we are 13 years later and me continuously sober 8 plus years.
BTW, she's never seen me drunk because me being the real alcoholic that I am knows to not shit where you sleep... even while enibriated.
Y'all maybe different from me... but that's y'alls problem not mine.
Good topic,
ReplyDeleteSex is fantastic, I am still blown away by the fact that I have been monogomous for the past 8 years, am happily married and don't cheat on my wife. How did I get there?
Short answer, a shit load of incredibly uncomfortable work. 2 years of weekly psychotherapy, and a 4 column inventory of past sex conduct with ammends when indicated. Writing a sane ideal and trying to live by it was very helpful as well.
I started drinking when I was 13 and didn't stop until I was 33. Everything I learned was clouded by a veil of alcohol. I had never been intimate without the use of booze. Learning how to function in the world sober,was very difficult. Alcohol was my social lubricant, lowered my inhibitions (and standards) and gave me permission to go wild.
Learning to be intimate without booze took time and came as emotional sobriety started to grow. In hindsight, I can say this was some of the most important work I have done.
I also believe the book when it tells us that if we continue to harm people with our sex conduct, we are SURE to drink. Pretty strong words, I have seen it too many times to doubt it's credibility.
Good stuff Rob. Looks like you got off to a rocky alcoholic start and once you got sober and applied the steps, you did the right thing right the first time and every successive time.
ReplyDeleteI had a sordid past even throughout my first 10 years in and out of A.A.
I met my first serious girlfriend in a detox/treatment center in Denver. I lived with her for about four months as she went back to drinking and I remained sober for about 8 months... but experimented with drugs to try and remain free of booze. That worked until I drank again and quickly crashed and burned. There was a seemingly healthy but selfish relationship in there somewhere while I was sober and even off of drugs. I could always decide away from drugs if I wanted/needed to.
I don't know what to say about my relationship with my first wife except to say she was my drinking buddy. It was an extremely sick relationship from the get-go... but I'd be lying if I said it was all bad. We gave it a hell of a go... did some fun stuff... traveled a lot and at times you might have said I was quite the functioning drunk. Eight years this lasted... until my drinking came to head. Almost two years later in sobriety, we had grown apart and although I thought things were looking up for us and better than they had ever been, she booked. Was she an alcoholic too? IDK. At very least, a hell of a functional hard drinker.
I met a gal at a meeting in the mountains and we moved in together after dating for 2 weeks. Perfect, right? I'd been sober just over a year and she... supposedly sober longer than I was and recently out of a bad abusive marriage. After four months, self-will reared its ugly head on both our parts and I should have ended it right there... or she should have. We went on for another 6 months and I was looking to leave. She bought me a puppy dog. Really. That lasted about two weeks or so... we got into an argument one night... I wanted to watch John Elway Bronco Superbowl highlights and she wanted me to turn "her" tv off and go to bed. I argued. She punched me in the arm, I laughed, and left.
ReplyDeleteWhen I met my wife now, I was sober almost three years, in a good group, and so far away from wanting or needing to be in a relationship.
Part of the reason she and I clicked is because I did extensive work on that "ideal for our future sex life." I was instructed to do this while in a 5th step. I looked at the kind of woman I would like to be with. I looked at what kind of man I want to be. Physical attraction was important, someone who is autonomous and just basically a good, spiritual person was absolutely most important. Someone with a good sense of humor and someone who sort of at least finds me attractive and funny... that's quite important. I guess another thing is that it's nice to find someone who is accepting of my condition of alcoholic but also very much recovered... someone who will allow me my autonomy in my A.A. program. Someone who is NOT in A.A. I'll never make that mistake again.
My wife hates the thought of alanon and all the sickness that entails, and I'm fine with that. She is not interested in my A.A. program in the least, yet is supportive of it so long as I don't place the "fellowship" above her and our family... which I certainly don't. One meeting a week, big whoop. An occasional 12 step call. I like that she misses me when I'm gone.
Neither one of us are perfect. But we have a common goal in life, we fight fair, and there is absolutely no abuse tolerated. This is a big problem with some folks. My ex-wife and ex-girlfriend were obviously in abusive relationships... which probably started with their own dad, and I cannot afford to go there with anyone. I have a hard enough time curtailing my anger when we are out and about... in traffic, at the grocery store, dealing with family members, friends, etc. I've done amends in this area and I've had to grow in this area because she would accept nothing less.
I like being married. It's good for me. I'd like to think it's good for us. Maybe marriage is not for everyone. That's for the individual to find out... but at least a healthy relationship is something we can work at and find.
I think this part of Step 4 applies to all relationships too, not just intimate ones.