Sunday, February 5, 2012

I have a resentment against hospitals and treatment centers

Specifically, Parkview Medical Center in Pueblo Colorado and some hospital in Denver Colorado... can't remember which one.

Why? They fucked me over monetarily. They screwed me and my family out of money and did so willingly and without remorse.

The first time it happened, I was at Metro State College at Denver and I was seeing ok one minute and the next minute, I had blind spots. I was living with my parents at the time as a full-time student. I went to the campus nurse and they were concerned about me so they sent me to the local hospital for a CT scan. Turns out I'm allergic to iodine. Turns out, I was probably just having a fucking migraine headache, my first to date at the time. The stupid fucks there kept asking me if I had taken cocaine or some shit. I had not. Months later, I'd have bills coming from collection agencies to pay off late radiologist bills and shit. The hospital did nothing for me except to give me an epinephrine shot to counteract the blood dye for the fucking CT scan. The ass fuckers didn't even diagnose my introduction to the occasional migraine. So... $800.00 later to fix my credit.

Fastforward to one of my latest drunks... the hotel incident. I tear apart part of a hotel in a drunken rage and make amends to the hotel manager... to the tune of 800 bucks. No problem. But multiply that figure by 10... and that's what Parkview took from me as my former employment HR department refused to pony up what a CDU in town overcharged me.

We've long since squared up those debts... but it pisses me off and makes me wonder.

They ought to teach a High School course and a Humanities College course on how to not get fucked in the ass financially. They ought to level with the student the long-term financial burden of such things as... going to the hospital/clinic/school nurse with your wallet open and without the aid of a good lawyer. They ought to level with the student the long-term financial burden attached to going out on that weekend binge, dating that stupid schmuck or who-whah...

My dad has an old adage I should have included into my HS and college studies... "A fool and his money are soon parted."

So how does this relate to an A.A. topic? ... foolish decisions... dangerous to alcoholics.


  1. Yep. You have a resentment. 'Bout all I can say here except GET OVER IT!!

    You think maybe it's all that snow that's making you angry right now?

  2. Not so much.

    My wife is two days postop from foot surgery. She has this unbendable shoe she's supposed to wear for stuff like... walking to the bathroom. She's to keep her foot elevated for the next month or something. Her "pain pills" do nothing for her pain.

    I'm just not real high on docs and pharmaceuticals right now.

    Oh, we need the snow. Let it snow.

    1. I just had my 6th left ankle surgery 3 months ago, and now have an artificial ankle. I know about foot pain. The only meds that worked for me was tramadol (Ultram). Percocet etc didn't do shit.
      Trouble is, tramadol can be addictive too, so getting off that stuff wasn't fun after being on it for a few years.

      Tell your wife I sympathize with her. I have 2 of those boots, two walkers and a knee scooter. She's welcome to borrow any of them. The scooter is really cool.

    2. Dog. From the bottom of my serenity, Doctors are the most full of shit people and the medical industry is the most full of shit industry in the world. They just about killed my wife diminished her quality of life and then sent us a bill for $60k. All because they didn't read the results of a test. The Judge said it was OK for them to do that because Medical Practice is an "Art" and they can fuck up all they want.
      The Book tells us to avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery. I therefore choose to stay away from the bastards. Dammit. Now I have to go do a 10th step. Oh wait. "When we were wrong we promptly admitted it". Good thing I wasn't wrong here.
      Hang in there.

  3. Thx 4 the offer Joe. A coworker may lend me a knee scooter after work. We'll see.

  4. The good ole US of A has the most expensive health care and not the best by far.

    What can we do about it ?

    Hell if I know.
    It's a political issue.

    But maybe you can put that resentment to good use. Find out if HP has a calling for you ?

    If not. You know the drill.

    Resentments can be hard to shake.
    I know they can be for me.

    I still have some that don't eat me up inside anymore, but that if I'm honest I'm probably not 'over' either. Some people, places, things I just avoid.

    But that's not an option with the health care system, is it ? If you need it, you need it.

    I was just talking about my old Matt Talbot retreat that I left because of some resentment. And I can't remember what the hell it was.........not that I'm even mad at anyone or even the group anymore. But I still avoid it. There's just no reason to go back.

  5. Why will God fix your alcohol addiction, but not your financial problems? Kind of weird, huh.

    Tell the Mrs to be careful with the pain meds. I was on them a couple of weeks ago for back thing, and they made me loopy drunk-like. They affected me worse than alcohol, in fact. It was Oxycodone. I broke my fucking toe a couple of days ago, and the doc wants me to take the same shit. I'm going through this one sans pain meds.

    1. MA, God won't fix anything. You seem to have God confused with a Fairy God Mother. They're two different things. In #11 "Asking only for his will for us and the power to carry that out" states that we rely on God for strength where will power failed us in the past. It's not magic. It's faith. If I wanted my financial problems fixed I could and most certainly would ask God for whatever it takes but I have to do the work. As said, "With Gods help you can move a mountain. You'd best plan on bringing a shovel though". It means I do the work but rely on God for his will when my will let me down so many times in the past.

    2. Good post, Cuda:
      MA is an atheist, which is a person that doesn't believe in their own personal understanding of God. Instead of working to improve that understanding, they choose to ridicule others that have done so.
      I suspect that people like MA haven't really gotten over discovering that there really isn't a Santa Claus!

    3. I thought MA was a Christian that just didn't buy into the spiritual-not-religious notion of A.A. But if He's atheist then so be it.

  6. Thx. She went back to the doc and got the dressing redone and she asked if she could just take aleve for the pain and that's what she's doing.

  7. How come everybody but me can comment in the nested thread?

    My computer is still screwy. Good comments Cuda and sorry about your wife's experience with the medical fraternity.

    I worked close to some doctors when I was a laser engineer for a medical device that performs LASIK, PRK, PTK, etc. I could have had my eyes zapped for free. I wear glasses and am very sad for anyone who did LASIK and is in pain today.

    The more we fuck with God-given organs designed to work a certain way with relation to the noodle up in our head, by employing that very noodle... in the name of Science, the more we fuck up trying to play God.

    That's right. Look doctor up in the phone book.

    They're filed under "Practice".

    It seems to me they spend more time "Practicing" their fucking golf game. I know a doctor who bragged about being the first doctor in the state of Colorado to successfully perform a corneal transplant. I'm not so sure how "successful" it all went. What he failed to tell us is that he so severely jacked up someone's cornea that it needed to be transplanted. I pulled his record via public records and saw that he had a huge infraction on his license. He is as far as I know... a very wealthy doc today. It seems to me that a lot of LASIK docs are falling back on the more reliable and very useful catarac surgery.

    For example, you've got a patient who has one good eye and one eye that could be maybe ... adjusted for distance... with the dominant eye being for up close... reading, computer stuff, etc. The doc will want to treat both eyes, naturally, even if they're doing "monovision". So if they're doing "mono"vision, why not just treat one eye? Because you get twice the bucks if you treat both. It's really pretty sickening, imo. I'm glad I'm well out of that field and hope never to return to the medical field again. I'm sick of watching doctors pratice and get very rich.

  8. Mcgow, sorry I have neglected to send you my support with this set of circumstances.
    I hope your wife is healing and everything goes well for her.
    May you find peace also...:)

  9. Thank you from both of us. She went back to work today all on her own... ice packs and crutches in hand, and only had to do four hours as that's what the doc cleared for her for now.

    Caveat... I guess I don't hate all docs. I cannot afford to do that just yet. I see them sort of as... car mechanics for people. Some just so happen to be better than others. I have an opinion too... Nurse Practitioners can have more band per buck than most docs out there.

    Thx again Claude and same to you.

  10. " She went back to work today all on her own... "

    Good for her.

    I guess it was more than heal spurs ?

    My wife has them but no surgery....yet.

    Ultrasound and cortizone shots. But I think she used up her quota of shots. The surgery may be in her future.

    Lately our health care system is one of the things I pray for. I certainly don't have a fix for it but the more I learn about it the more it becomes obvious that we're way behind the times in this country. Most places manage to provide basic health care to everyone at an affordable rate. And most places have mandatory paid vacations and other quality of life things. We're too dumb to want what's good for us. No wonder alchoholism is such a problem in the US. It fits our culture perfectly.

  11. "MA is an atheist, which is a person that doesn't believe in their own personal understanding of God. Instead of working to improve that understanding, they choose to ridicule others that have done so.
    I suspect that people like MA haven't really gotten over discovering that there really isn't a Santa Claus!"

    And this post is no better, painting all with the same brush, ridiculing them for their convictions, or lack of.

    Sure I've met some who claim to be atheists who are belligerent. But I've met others who are aren't afraid afraid to think for themselves and live principled, compassionate lives. And, from what I've seen, it takes far more conviction to think for one's self and follow one's own conscience, inner moral compass, whatever you want to call it, than it does to just blindly follow a creed or dogma.

    More and more, I am moving away from a theistic, pietist approach towards the spiritual life. I've been practicing insight meditation for some time now, which is a Buddhist practice. And I'm reading Noah Levine's "Dharma Punx," his memoir. There is a Dharma Punx group in Seattle that meets to sit and engage in positive social action and I'm thinking that I'm going to hook up with them soon.

    I started questioning the God thing a few years ago, and realized that I no longer "believed" in God. I do not mean that in any kind of offense towards those who do. But I just can't buy it anymore.

    1. Hey Jim... whatever donkey gets you there is fine by me. Just don't let your meatloaf.

    2. I've seen Buddist movements like the "Dharma Punx" come and go as far back as the 1960's. I even visited a couple of communes "back in the days", and briefly stayed at one.
      They went nowhere then, and will go nowhere now. To compare their "positive social action" with long-standing Christian social action programs would be laughable.
      Noah Levine may be better than nothing for you Jim, but I'll take Jesus over him any day!

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  13. I will say Ralph that I don't believe I was comparing anything to anything. There are some very commendable Christian social action programs. Dorothy Day's Catholic Worker program comes to mind.

    I find your comments arrogant, condescending, and insulting, in short everything that I find offensive about conventional Christianity. To insinuate that I'm looking for replacement for Jesus is ludicrous. I have nothing against Jesus, but I cannot buy the doctrine of Jesus' divinity or that I need a savior of some sort. Certainly not Noah Levine. I'm just reading his book and find that he & I have a lot in common.

    "Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine."
    -Patti Smith

  14. Having said all that Ralph, I forgive you because I can be pretty arrogant and condescending myself at times. As Patrick said, there are many paths up the mountain and if the one you are on brings you peace and gives meaning to your life, right on.

  15. Ralph, if you want to or must worship Jesus, you don't have to do this in A.A. In fact, there are many even better places to do so. In fact, these other places "worship Jesus"better than the next one and ensure that to do it wrongly will land you in eternal hellfire and damnation.

    Dick B comes to mind here.

    1. I haven't attended AA meetings in years, Mac, and have been sober for more than 32 years.
      I don't believe in "hellfire and damnation" for incorrectly worshiping God, and lump that silliness with some AAers belief that leaving AA inevitably leads to drinking again.

    2. What do you think about the program of action in the 164?

      When was the last time you did a set of steps and how did it go for you?

      Congrats on 32+ years of sobriety.

    3. Thank you, Mac, for the congrats.
      About the only steps that I have worked for the past many years have been the first, and the eleventh. The latter is daily and continuous.
      The program of action in the Big Book is Bill's, and is suggested as a program of recovery. Other people should use it as a starting step in their program of recovery, modifying it as necessary for them to recover.
      I added Antabuse (for 6 months), intense physical workouts, and close fellowship with a few others in the program. Also, long hours of work helped me to burn off the stress of withdrawal, and pay off lawyers, bankers, and other vultures!
      The bottom line with me is: "Remember the last before you pick up the first"!

    4. I kind of like steps 4, 5 and 9 myself.

      If those lawyers, bankers, or other bastards get to bothering you too much... or if that last drink gets to fading in your mind a bit... you ought to give those steps a try and we'll rap about it.

      Forgive me for not bowing down and cowering to your length of time... kissing your ring... and all that sappy shit. Also, if the next person you tell "Just don't drink" and "Remember your last drunk" cocks their head sideways and looks confused... sent them my way if you would. Thank you.

  16. "I may be in error, but I am no heretic."
    -Meister Eckhart

    Last year a former high school best friend messaged me on FaceBook and told me I was a false prophet and that there is an especially hot place in hell reserved for people like me.

    I thanked him for the compliment (never been called a prophet before) and for his concern for my well-being in the hereafter. Then I told him I'd have some good company there, Meister Eckhart, Galileo, George Fox, Gandhi, etc.

    Then I unfriended him. With friends like that who needs enemies?

  17. Or like Paul Martin said, eternity is like one big cosmic marshmallow roast and you're likely to be one of the marshmallows.

  18. A long time ago I tried to fit in in a fundamental, evangelistic church. I found myself questioning everything, which by the way is what Saint Paul said when said that each of us must work out our own salvation. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't buy what they were selling. I couldn't say that I accepted Jesus as my savior. Because I didn't need a savior or anyone to die for me. Certainly not a bloody sacrifice.

    I also can't buy the whole Augustinian concept of original sin.

    1. Well Jim, if you don't buy into the "God thing" as you termed it no one would expect you to accept Jesus or Augustine!
      However, if you approached these matters as I do, you wouldn't "throw the baby out with the bath water".
      No pastor or church has all the answers, or even all the questions. One has to figure them out for oneself. My personal version of Christianity incorporates Native American spiritual beliefs, such as panentheism.
      Jesus was consistently misunderstood even by the apostles who were with Him for 3+ years (and even betrayed by one of them). Think you or anyone else can perfectly understand Him now? Does that mean to you that He is irrelevant?
      I am familiar with the Catholic Worker movement, and did some work with one of their offshoots (St. Joseph's Hospitality House in Rochester, NY) through the winter of 1980-1981. I was ostracized from their society though, due to my "Protestant" leanings.
      No matter; they are only human and should not be held to a perfect standard. They still sheltered scores of homeless men through a very cold winter...no "alternative" spiritual/religious movement has ever come close to what Christians have done for thousands of years.
      I have nothing against Buddhism, but don't accept it as a replacement for Christianity.
      Thank you for the "forgiveness", although I had said or done nothing to you to be "forgiven" for. My original post was addressed to Cuda, and not to or about you. I think that Noah Levine's ideas have affected you already! Have you checked the "most helpful" reviews of his book "Dharma Punx" on Amazon.com?
      I did before I responded to your message, and still wouldn't put him in the same league with serious spiritual or religious prophets.

    2. Judas was Judean and the other apostles were considered Galileans, country dwellers or "bumpkins."
      Judas felt he was superior. People think that Judas betrayed Jesus for money. I don't think so. One because Judas from the start was in charge of the money collected. I think Judas felt betrayed by Jesus also. A possibility is that Judas expected Jesus to overthrow Roman rule of Israel and when Jesus did not he reacted by becoming cynical and disillusioned.Which led to Judas immoral behavior, not making excuses just stating a opinion.
      Why I brought this who knows maybe spontaneity. I think it was all this religious and Buddhists stuff.
      I visited The Barre Center for Buddhist Studies in Barre Mass (link) http://www.dharma.org/bcbs/Pages/about_us.html. back in the early 90's. I just had to know what was going on, it was awesome. Ended up going back for a week. I lived there on the compound for a week. I was in silence the whole time I was there.(liar) They had a working farm and garden. A list of chores with your name beside the chore was how you knew your work for the day. They also had meditations and seminars/studies you had to attend.
      I said liar earlier because the guy and gal we would go for a long walk at night and when we thought we were far enough away we would ask each other questions about are day.
      Fuck, try being silent for two days. Only your thoughts...lol.

  19. Ralph, if your original post was aimed at Cuda, why was I named in it> Cuda was not named, so forgive me if I took it as being directed at me?

    Why, in your view is everything intended to be a replacement for Christianity? That smacks of the arrogance typical of many Christians, along with your view of any other tradition being an alternative or competition.

    Believe me, I don't hold up Noah Levine as a prophet and don't know where you get the idea that I do. I just happen to be reading his book right now. It isn't a well written book, but he strikes me as no different than you or I. A guy that had a lot of trouble and got sober and found his path.

  20. OK, Ralph, I was wrong...your post about MA being an atheist was aimed at Cuda. I merely replied to it.

    Here's a good book about the relationship of Christianity & Buddhism. It's about how Thomas Merton, IMO one of the great Christian thinkers of our time and one of my spiritual heroes explored Buddhism and found it compatible with his own contemplative experience. Merton by the way was a peace activist and helped get Thich Nhat Hahn nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

    "Merton & Buddhism: Wisdom, Emptiness, and Ordinary Mind."
    -Fons Vitale Press

    1. Jim, it takes a man to admit it when he is wrong; thank you for saying so!
      I have no problem with Buddhism as a spiritual program - its' precepts are an exact parallel to Christian beliefs.
      I assumed by your statements that you were looking for an alternative faith to Christianity. Some of the fundamentalist Christian preachers that I have met might have turned me away from Christianity, if I had let them do my thinking for me! They sometimes remind me of the Pharisees in Christ's time.
      In AA, people like them are known as "Big Book thumpers" and they do a lot of damage to AA and newcomers to that organization through their arrogance (an all too familiar vice, which has at times caught me up).
      I often think that Christ today would face the same persecution from churches and the government as He did 2000 years ago.
      All the same, I'd like to meet Him once before I go; it would take some one-on-one tutoring from the Teacher to help me on my path of discovery!
      Go in Peace, Jim!
      Ralph Rotten (the Red cat)
      P.S. What's with the "Dharma" that Noah refers to - isn't that a Hindu term? Is he attempting to synthesize Buddhism with Hindu beliefs?

  21. Hi Ralph,
    I have no animosity towards Christianity or Christians. I haven't been damaged in the name of Christ as some people have been. Where I'm at is where I have been headed for years, Buddhism just makes more sense to me.

    I have been the arrogant BB thumper, it's a role I assigned myself and an image I created for myself that I've tried really hard to live up to for a long time. I've worn it as a badge of honor. I can't explain it exactly, but something shifted in me over the last six months or so. I was telling a friend this evening that one reason I don't go to meetings is that reputation precedes me. I'd go and I would get called on and I'd either have to lie and try to sell a bill of goods that I no longer buy myself or tell the truth and say that I no longer buy it and I've left AA. Neither would serve any good purpose.

    I am certain that if Jesus of Nazareth were walking the earth these days, he probably wouldn't call himself a Christian and he would probably meet the same fate. And I too would like to meet him and have him as a teacher.

    I'm no scholar of Buddhism, in fact I'm a novice, but I believe the correct term is Dhama, which simply means the teaching or the way. But maybe Dharma is correct as well. I do know that Buddhism is an offshoot of Hinduism and there are schools of thought within Buddhism that still use Hindu practices and terms, just as Tibetan Buddhism has incorporated some the old Tibetan deities and there are sects within Japanese Zen Buddhism that incorporate some of the old Japanese animist and ancestor worship practices that preceded the arrival of Buddhism in that country. I practice Vippasana or Insight Meditation, which is IMO, the purist form. It is simply about the breath and focus and being aware in the present moment. Noah Levine's teacher is Jack Kornfield, one of the leading American teachers of insight meditation.