Saturday, March 26, 2011

Beware Hard Drinkers and Fakers Inside

Beware: Hard Drinkers & Fakers Inside!

We in AA have signs posted everywhere, each with slogans, such as: "Think" (as if my thinking didn't get me here and still can't kill me, even to this day); or "One Day At A Time" (like I can make it without total
commitment allowing for some future "reservation"); and "Easy Does It," (which is advice offered in the Book to wife/husband whose spouse is beginning recovery, not to the alcoholic). None of those pieces of advice are in the original program of recovery. Yet we do not post the signs we should, such as ("The eye of the adulterer...disguises his face"); or (Beware: Hard Drinkers Inside"). Indeed, if you are a real alcoholic, the hard drinker may be a greater danger to you than alcohol itself.

I base that thesis on two comments from Bill Wilson himself. First, Bill said, in response to the rising rate of recovery failures that he began to see as a result of the message in the Book being warped through poor oral communication: "We cannot well content ourselves with the view that all these recovery failures were entirely the fault of the newcomer. Perhaps a great many did not receive the kind and amount of
sponsorship that they so sorely needed. We did not communicate when we might have done so. So we AA's failed them." He also said that we must be ever vigilant to maintain the purity of our message, noting that "if AA is ever destroyed, it will be from within." Bill also warned us that the Washingtonian recovery program, which was quite successful long before AA ever existed, was ultimately destroyed from within
because they had neither rules (Traditions) nor a basic text ("The Big Book") that could prevent the message from being twisted through oral communication.

So what problem can the hard drinkers cause us real alcoholics? Why can the killing things that are happening in AA be traced either to them or to alcoholics suffering from untreated alcoholism? First, early AA's, like Earl T. and Paul M., report that the 75% success rate reported in the Big Book continues throughout their early years as well. So why do fewer than 6% of real alcoholics stay around long enough to get a 10 year chip nowadays? Research shows that 20% of the American population suffers from serious
drinking problems, but only about half of those problem drinkers are real alcoholics. That means that we in America have as many hard drinkers as we have real alcoholics, and since it is easier for them to "stop or moderate", we may well have more of them surviving in the fellowship than we have real alcoholics in recovery (program). And they offer opinions (instead of Book-based facts) and their opinions will kill us if we listen to them and follow their advice instead of the Book's. They do not have to adhere to the "rules" (as we must) in order to live a contented life. Their strain of the disease is not necessarily fatal--as is ours--if we do not follow the rules precisely. With our fellows dying at such high rates and with the fellowship suffering such a low rate of success, isn't it time we pay attention to our Traditions and the teachings of our program so that hard drinkers and alcoholics suffering the spiritual malady do not dominate our meetings
with their lies?

Some drinkers can stay sober by choice (pages 20-21 for the "moderate drinker" and the "hard drinker"). Furthermore, the Book says that a moderate or hard drinker "can quit upon a non-spiritual basis", depending upon "the extent to which he has lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not". So I ask: if they can do it on their own; and if they are not here to work the steps; and if they are not helping guide others to a spiritual experience, what the heck are they doing hanging around us? I don't have cancer, so I don't hang out on a cancer ward. If I did, I might be sicker, in fact, than the people there with cancer who don't have a choice.

Why would I want to associate with sick people in a cancer recovery program if I don't have a fatal form of cancer? Several possibilities exist to explain why I'm on that ward if I'm not dying of cancer. Maybe I overcame a mild form of cancer and now I want to tell them how they should treat their severe, fatal form --maybe I like the "expert" role that I think that allows me. Maybe my social skills have been so poorly developed that I am not welcome among the well people in our society--I need a captive audience of sick people who won't walk out on me, no matter how obnoxious I might be. Maybe I sincerely think I can do them some good, though my mild form of the disease gives me no real understanding of their illness and what they really need to get well. Maybe I'm hanging out on the cancer ward because I just can't handle life's daily issues and I need someone to talk to. Maybe they even have free therapy sessions that I like to sit in on
rather than pay a therapist myself. Maybe I'm even looking for someone to get into a relationship with, and it seems like a good place to look (now that is really a strange belief system, isn't it? I'm going to go where people are dying to find me a life-long relationship! Man--I'm sicker than I thought, if I'm doing that.)

The danger in my roaming the cancer ward rests in the false information I might spread. I might say, since I had a mild form of cancer, "Hey--you really don't have to do everything the doctor says. And you don't have to do everything precisely or specifically the way he tells you to do it. In fact, let me share with you my opinions about treatment because this is all I had to do to get well, and it's an easier, softer way than the way the doctors are telling you". I might even tell them: "And forget this holistic approach to recovery--I did not have to pray. I did not have to turn to God. That part of their recovery program is really not needed--I'm living proof of that. Just treat the physical aspect of the disease." My gosh. Simply by what I'm saying, simply by virtue of the words coming out of my mouth, I would be doing killing things on that ward, wouldn't I? And don't you think the people in charge would run my butt out of there in seconds? They would not sit by idly and let me spread information that will kill the people who are there seeking recovery. The fact is that our hard drinkers (and some of our alcoholics suffering from untreated alcoholism) do all of
that--they often use AA for social or self-serving purposes rather than for the purpose of working steps to "continued spiritual growth". Like us real alcoholics, they, too, were told in their old drinking days to "Get out!" Then they find AA (by some route) and we say, "Come back". Wow--that's new...that's neat. So they also use AA as a Lonely Hearts Club, or for $1/hour therapy instead of $150/hour therapy, or for a place "to
vent--to share--to air their issues". They can live without evidencing a spiritual experience (they do not have to--they are not real alcoholics) and they do not extend true compassion for the struggle to do what they were able to do in a much easier fashion. Their attitude: "Hey, it was easy for me--so the heck with you. But keep coming back, O sick alky. It'll get better". (So what is the sign to those judgmental, pompous people when I get better? Do I become like them? Are they the model? The prototype? I'm starting to feel the need for a new Fourth Step just thinking about them!).

Though we real alcoholics at first glance might look just like the hard drinkers, we are, in truth, very different. We must meet "requirements"--hard drinkers do not have to. We real alcoholics must do the work "precisely" and "specifically" and "Thoroughly"--hard drinkers do not have to. We must have an "entire psychic change"--they do not. We must undergo a "revolutionary change"--they do not have to. We are told that we have a "necessary element; namely, we are "required" to follow a "few simple rules"--they don't have to. We are on a "life and death errand"--they aren't. We must seek it "with the desperation of a drowning man"--they do not have to. Thus comes the danger of being in a meeting with them: we hear from them the exact opposite of what we need to hear, the opposite of what our Book tells us. We hear statements and opinions that may be the truth for them but are fatal lies for us. Who, therefore, needs to be wary of the hard drinkers, the "adulterers of AA?" Anyone who is a real alcoholic, for these wolves in sheep's clothing are indeed the ones telling real alcoholics the lies, the myths,
the fiction, the "middle-of-the-road-solutions" that we hear around the tables. And too often, we real alcoholics who (when sober) were withdrawn, were loners, were not comfortable speaking before crowds, find ourselves taking a back seat in AA to those more vocal, more self-assured, more authoritative hard drinkers who, though they may mean well, are really a danger to your chances at recovery and the very
existence of our fellowship, too. If hard drinkers are not a part of the "common welfare", carrying the common message--the "common solution", then they have not met the requirements for AA membership. How long shall we sit by and forfeit ownership of our program through inaction? So if we need to be wary of them, how do we identify the hard drinkers? Actually, they can help us identify them, if we are observant. First, the hard drinker often presents himself as the "Model AA". (In reality, he is, because a "model" is defined as "an imitation of the real thing".) He will say to the newcomer, "I feel your pain", but he will not roll up his sleeves and offer the many hours of service called for to sit-one-on-one with that newcomer and take him through the Book page by page. He is the guy in his second decade of sobriety who recently scoffed at those of us who get up earlier than usual each day for prayer and meditation. He is the one who I heard say recently to a real alcoholic: "I'm sick of your relapsing, and I'm sick of hearing you say you need more help than you're getting. I don't even want to be around you". He is the one who I heard say recently: "I have double-digit sobriety, I worked the steps once when I came in 17 years ago, and my sponsor had me take it slow and easy, working the steps when I was comfortable". (The
hard drinker can do that--we real alcoholics, on the other hand, will die if we wait until we get comfortable before taking action). The hard drinker is the one with advanced years in the fellowship who says he "chose not to drink this morning". He may be telling the truth. We, on the other hand, don't have that privilege. Additionally, he is the one who stays sober even as he contradicts the information in the Book. He says the
Book is subject to "interpretation" (what he really means is "misinterpretation"). He may be the one who has ordained himself the group's elder statesman. He is the one who does not take his proteges from the cover to page 164, explaining every sentence and doing everything that the Book says exactly as prescribed
in the Book's "precise, specific, clear-cut directions". He is the one who said recently, "That is not the way I
work my program". Interesting...since when did he create a program? Can his program guarantee fulfillment of promises to us real alcoholics as the program of AA can?) Note: if any who are making those statements above happen to be real alcoholics, they are suffering untreated alcoholism again and need to get back to working the Steps so that God's love can be seen through their service and through their comments.
So if we hear those same comments from a real alcoholic, he is back to suffering from untreated alcoholism, from the spiritual malady, from allowing unmanageability to creep back into his life because he stopped working the steps in a circular fashion, as was intended originally.
How, then, can we tell the two groups apart? Know that we need to, because if the real alcoholic is suffering from untreated alcoholism, we can help him. The hard drinker, on the other hand, can hurt us. We need to tell them apart. The alcoholic not working the Steps will eventually separate himself from the hard drinker in several ways: (1) he will meet the description of the untreated alcoholic in the middle paragraph of page 52; (2) he will eventual go out and drink; or (3) he will commit suicide, that event occurring at a
rate among us that is times higher than among the general population. Remember: the hard drinker is theone who can stay sober while contradicting (through thought, word and deed) the instructions presented inthe Book.

Why do I think I know so much about them? Because their advice dang near killed me. I listened to them long enough that I got "comfortable" at 7-1/2 years. In truth, I was the most uncomfortable since coming in,because I let them convince me to let up on the work. I heard so many of them pontificating about how they were doing it in their double-digit years (without having to do the work continuously) that I fell for it. Heck, if they can do it that way, I can too. They appealed to my "softer-easier-way-mentality". I no longer worried about those contingencies required for my daily reprieve. They helped reconstruct my ego ("We can do it on our own") and I stopped looking at them honestly and failed to realize that I don't want what they have, even if it is easier. I was at fault for I allowed them to influence me, and I DAMN NEAR DIED!!!

Today, I know that because I am a real alcoholic, the continuous working of the steps is "vital" (that is, "necessary for life")--not for them, but definitely for me. And since that is my experience, please let me share: please stay vigilant, for I have learned the hard way that the enemy who brings a false message is as cunning and baffling and powerful as the disease itself. So, if you are a real alcoholic, know the criteria; watch out for the overblown war stories they use to convince you they are one of us; look out for the statements that are truth for the hard drinkers but are lies for the real alcoholics. Know that we real alcoholics have no choice--we have no control and never will. Know that the only hope for us--continued work and spiritual growth--is not required for those vocal hard drinkers. Know that only by working the steps vigorously can we continue to have the renewed spiritual experience that we must have on a daily basis in order to remain sober and happy and joyous and free. And always beware the message coming from the mouth of the hard drinker (or any non-alcoholic in our groups), for he "disguises his face". He is seated next to you, and though what he shares is really the truth as he sees it, he will unconsciously contribute to kill you when you're least suspecting. That is my experience, so if you are a real alcoholic, I urge you to beware. If you are a real alcoholic, do it the way the Book says; do it the way the Book says; do it the way the Book says!

Copyright 1997 Floyd H.
Can be copied only by alcoholics and distributed without profit.


  1. I've read this before, Jim. As a matter of fact, I have a copy of it. Pretty much says it all.

  2. I finally understand! AA would work if it could keep out people that drink and the other people that fake being alcoholics.

    Let me know when you guys clean house and have the program back to what it was in the 40s.


  3. No Dave, You don't understand AA. If you did, you wouldn't be making such stupid comments.

    But feel free to come back and keep reading what we post here. You may learn something.

  4. Damn Jim!

    I've only read half of this so far and this is the best thing I've read in forever.

    Dave, please tell me you're not the BBDave1964 that got kicked off of Soberrecovery like us.

    If you're another Dave, then you're one of those sick fucks inside A.A. who's not a real alcoholic and who should pick up another hobby.

  5. No it isn't that Dave. I stay in contact with him through FaceBook and the above post definitely isn't him.

    About the only ones who are bothered by Floyd's article are the fakers and hard drinkers.

  6. This is a coincidence. I "stole" a guy thursday night. He was suicidal and needed immediate relief. His current sponsor is a good guy but didn't have the time to get him through the work pronto. He is 26 days sober and dying in the halls. 27 year old kid, real deal alcoholic who also happens to be a heroin addict. Double winner.MOTR had been killing him. You're not ready to work the steps, you didn't get sick overnight, you won't get better, bla bla bla, you know the drivel.

    We have gone through the book, page by page, I have the luxury of being unemplyed at the moment so I can be of service. As I write he is starting his fear inventory, he has done 4 column inventory on all his resentments, people, principles, institutions. The lights are starting to come on, He is not suicidal, he is not dying from a part of this deal he didn't know he had, and he has found his truth. Not to bad for 4 days work. I left him today for a few hours to go out with my wife. I gave him this article to read, I also gave him Problems other than alcohol, and a great article by Cliff Bishop. He says to me when I get home. "Rob, I should keep my mouth shut at meetings and listen to you guys who have done this work". He thought he was supposed to talk about where he was at and how he was feeling!!!!!

    He will stay with me until he is up to step 9, he is willing to do multiple 5th steps, I haven't worked with someone so willing in quite some time, it is very refreshing.

    In response to Dave, put this blog and article in column one if it bothers you. If you need a hand writing inventory, let us know, we can help.

  7. Friday night, my new guy & I were at a meeting. When the secretary asked if there were any new people, he announced himself as an "alcoholic-addict." Now I knew that he had a history of using cocaine as well as drinking, but he hadn't introduced himself as anything other than an alcoholic up to that point.

    After the meeting, I asked him about it. He said that he used to do coke. I told him that maybe he is a coke addict, maybe not, but in A.a. meetings he should introduce himself as an alcoholic. I asked how had came to that conclusion and he said that he heard other people saying it. Now the guy has been in A.a. for two weeks and he already has a head full of shit from sitting in MOTR meetings.

    I guess I will have to high light the meetings he should go to and the one he should stay away from.

  8. Couple of questions for you, Jim. Is your objection one of him self-diagnosing himself an addict because he's heard other people say it? Sort of a monkey see, monkey do sort of thing?

    Or do you object to real alcoholic/addicts introducing themselves as such in an AA meeting?

    The reason I ask is that I've been to meetings where people who are indeed both are welcome, and I've been to meetings where only the alcoholic side of the brain is welcome, and the addict part should go home.

    Actually, I've been to meetings where someone will introduce themselves as an addict only, too. They come to the AA meetings because the NA meetings around here suck. They don't say anything, though.

    I personally have no problem with someone introducing themselves as alcoholic/addict, but the rules are real fucking clear. All discussions will be confined to problems relating to alcohol. One word about drugs and I'll slam the fucking gavel on top of their heads.

  9. Hmmm... will wait for Jim's response...

  10. I had a nice reply typed up and went to post it and the fucking thing deleted my post again. This is getting old, WTF is up? Now I don't have time. I have to go make the coffee for the home group meeting.

  11. Feel free to jump in, Patrick

  12. Jim, if you're not selecting your fresh text and hitting right click and save, I don't want to fucking hear about it.

    Or I could be polite and say, "waa".

    This is what "free" buys us.

  13. You might also want to make sure you're signed in properly. If not, you'll get shown the door as soon as you hit preview or post.

  14. I have problems with login Aall the time.

    But we still have to save before entering the comment button.

    Jesus saves. We should too.

  15. And It's always the juiciest and longest posts that get lost.

    Joe, I'll be home from work in a bit and give your question a shot. Too heavy for my droid to respond now.

  16. I've been typing the post and then selecting Google account and then hitting post comment and it takes me to sign in. Up to today, I had no problems. The only other time it did it, I was already signed in to Google. And you're right, it's always the longest posts that get deleted. It says something about some problem it's having or something.

  17. Did it that time. I'll respond to Joe's post (the one that I responded to earlier) concerning the alcoholic/addict thing in the morning. Had a great meeting tonight and went with a friend afterward to get a bite to eat at a place called The Irishman, an Irish type pub. Had great conversation and great fish & Chips while listening to Irish fiddle and flute players. You would have appreciated it Patrick.

  18. My dad was from the old sod. My dad makes a mean Irish stew himself.

    I'm sorry for your missed post. I know it's a bitch sometimes and we don't always think of copying before we hit "Post Comment"... but it's just so easy to click, drag, right click then copy your post before you hit that button.

    Heck, even some of the forums I go to can dump a good post now and again.

    Joe... here's my take on alcoholic/addict; If you're in a closed A.A. meeting, why not just say, "My name is Conswaylow and I'm an alcoholic"? Period. No anda. And if you're in an A.A. open meeting, I guess it doesn't matter because you're likely to be around a few folks who are either real alcoholics, hard drinkers, a few fakers, and some andas, and maybe even some alanons, and maybe even a predator or two. Who knows?

    I think if you're in an A.A. meeting, you should at least be alcoholic if you plan to share. If you're not, you can still sit there and listen. But since your shares should be confined to topics with regards to alcohol, even in an open meeting, then if you're an alcoholic and an addict, why not just introduce yourself as an alcoholic and leave the "anda" part off? If you want to talk about the addict part, then why not just go to an NA meeting? Oh, that's right. You said the NA meetings suck around your area? Well who's fault is that? That's right. The addicts who don't attend their own fucking meeting, that's who.

    Why don't they just frequent their own meeting and demand that it become a good one? Oh, but they'll just go to A.A. and introduce themselves as alcoholic/addict. I wonder how many of them folks are real alcoholics and real addicts? A guy from the Denver Monday Night group nicknamed Dr Death used to say that "Anybody can be an addict." He also said, "Anybody can also be a non-addict." I honestly don't know about that. It's an issue I don't want to get into.

    I've had a few addicts ask me to sponsor them. I didn't feel like just telling them "No." I asked them to do something and they just never called me again. Simple enough.

  19. I don't have any great answers as to why people who are real alcoholics/addicts introduce themselves as such. I see it at both closed and open meetings. It's probably as Jim's sponsee said - "Everyone does it."

    As to the addict who goes to an AA meeting, that's sort of unusual, but I do see it sometimes and only at open meetings. How many are not real addicts but are the "monkey see, monkey do" type, I don't know.

    But in any case, the discussion, as I said, is limited to problems with alcohol.

    Some of the dual addicted do go to NA as well as AA meetings. The NA meetings around here are full of tweenies who hug a lot and say how much they love being there. A 45 yr-something alcoholic/addict won't get much out going there...

    The quality of NA meetings isn't my problem, and as long as the tweenies reign, they won't change. So if an addict can get more out of coming to an AA meeting and just listening, he's certainly welcome (to an open meeting).

    Like I said, I personally don't care how someone introduces themselves. You can be a green-eyed donkey cock sucker wino coke head. Just confine your discussion to problems with alcohol.

    As to sponsoring an addict, that's a whole new ball of worms. If he's a real alcoholic, too, then I'll do it. Shit, I still have the alcoholic/pathological gambler as a sponsee. But just an addict...? Naaaw. I don't think so.

    Now if Jim ever figures out this simple program and stops blaming everyone/everything else for the fact that he keeps getting deleted. maybe we'll eventually hear from him, too.

  20. I'm glad I found that place Patrick. I'm thinking of bringing it before the group that we make it the meeting after the meeting place. That would be radical, at least for this town-an A.A. group doing its meeting after the meeting in an Irish pub.

    In answer to Joe's question about my new guy and the and a thing, the guy has never been to a treatment so we can't blame it on them. It was more a case of monkey-see monkey-do. That's what he told me, that he heard others saying it. Others, who no doubt either learned to say in treatment or who heard others say it. And that's how the sickness gets spread and the power and effectiveness gets diluted.

    I know that some people are both and some aren't. I'm not. A gal in our home group is, but in the meeting, she just says she's an alcoholic. No need to be different or special. So my take on is basically same as Patrick's. I can feel no sympathy for the addicts who won't go to N.A. God knows we've tried to help them strengthen their fellowship in the past.

  21. I certainly have no problem with an addict coming to an open A.A. meeting for help and inspiration. And I've sponsored a few heroin addicts. I think the younger ones, the tweenies, as Joe calls them aren't done yet and have a long way to go to get done. But some of the older ones are at a place that we alkies know about, either change or die. One guy I sponsored is a former junkie who does his work in N.A. He gets met with hostility though for using the Big Book. But he doesn't apologize for it either.

    Speaking of N.A. and how we introduce ourselves, try going to an N.A. meeting and introducing yourself as an alcoholic then talking about your problems with booze and see what happens.

  22. "Alcohol is a drug. Gimme a hug!" At the few NA meetings I was forced to attend, I never heard them discuss anything other than how happy everyone is to be there! "I've been clean for 12 whole hours and I'm so happy to be here!" Reminds me of SR. Like Jim said, they aren't done yet.

  23. Hey everyone so nice to see we are practicing our traditions or at least discussing them.
    Just being funny!!
    Any way. I see it as simple. AA was built and designed to deal with alcoholics hence the name Alcoholics Anonymous. We are standing on the shoulders of many a alkie who came before us. My biggest fear is a alcoholic comes to a home group for his first meeting and leaves early because he is confused whether the meeting was for alcoholics or not.
    I understand that many of us smoked pot, smoked or shot heroin, coke or meth. That is great and so is the mantra of, "a drug is a drug" bla bla bla ... Until I find that written in the Big Book in edition 105 then I will continue to emphasize to folks to not confuse the alcoholic who wants sobriety.
    I don't even suggest that they go to NA or CA I just talk about AA.
    I found over a short period of time that I was a alcoholic and that AA had a design for living that I could wrap my head around. Yes I shot, smoked and stuffed up my arse dope but AA was for alcoholics. So I had a decision to make. The decision was made easy by my long time sponsor. He asked me if I wanted to get clean and sober in AA. I said yes. He then went on to explain having respect for the alcoholics that went before me and the ones just coming in. He also spoke about this need I have sometimes to be special and different.
    He asked me to put this on a shelf for a year or so, that I would understand one day.
    Well I do. Like I said I never want to be the reason a fellow alcoholic leaves because he could not find what he was looking for.
    There are many people who come to AA that are just alcoholics.
    Shit I am speaking to the choir here.
    Sorry guys....got carried away.

  24. Either you're alky or you're not. If A.A. is working, gr8.

    Either you're addict or you're not . Either you're both or you're not.

    If you go to A.A. and get sicker, you can do one of two things;

    A) continue in A.A. for 20+ years then join ST, or
    B) leave.

  25. I feel so lonely. I've never smoked pot, shot dope, or any of that shit. But damn, did I drink some vodka!

    Well, seems as we're all preaching to the converted audience here. I was just curious about Jim's comment regarding his sponsee and he answered my question. The "monkey see, monkey do" phenomena that saps the strength of the AA program seems to be the issue.

    As to the rest of it, we all agree that the AA program is designed for solely dealing with alcoholism. Period. End of discussion. Don't like that fact, go somewhere else.

  26. I have done drugs... and booze ain't a drug. Booze is food.

    I have done drugs and I'll talk about my experience with them here.

    I was afraid of weed at first. I smoked it as it was offered to me... but didn't get high till about the 10th time I smoked it. I was with my brother at the time and we smoked bowl after bowl after bowl for about 30 minutes. He finally asked me... so, are you getting a buzz yet. I looked at my eyes and we laughed for about 20 minutes. He got worried and said I had to put Visine in my eyes so my mom and dad wouldn't find out. I went for the Visine bottle and he told me he had to do it. So everytime he tried to put a drop in my eye, I blinked. So we laughed are heads off about that for about the next 20 minutes. I finally grabbed the fucking visine and did it myself. That was one of the best weed highs I had. Subsequent experiences were pretty much 10 minutes of "high" with about 30 minutes of "stoned" and then the munchies, laziness, then "smoke some more weed", each subsequent time with less "high" time and more "stoned time". But as a whole, not a progressive type addiction. Just more of a psychological addiction from what I experienced.

    Then there was a time when I'd got arrested for DUI, got thrown in detox, then a treatment center. I quit drinking booze after that for something like 6 to 8 months. I was 18 at the time. But I eventually smoked weed, then other drugs came my way... like mushrooms, acid, crank, cocaine, etc. None were what I would call physically addicting. But there's nothing like smoking cocaine. Or as Rick James Bitch says, "hell of a drug." Cocaine basically makes the price of pussy come down... way down.

    I did drugs... for fun... to control my drinking usually... but when it came time to stop, I stopped. I was never an addict... not physically, and not mentally. Not so much mental obsession about drugs.

    Now booze, that's another story. Despite the sheer quantities I drank... enough to induce alcohol poisoning on many occasions, the many times I could have died of acute drunkenness, etc., none of this registered to me as a problem. No fear whatsoever. I was in control and here's how. Then booze would basically knock my dick into the dirt and I'd seek it yet again... as if nothing ever happened. I'd drink booze the way I wanted to... then oblivion. I never ever had that with drugs.

    I never shot up. A nurse shot me with dilaudid once... due to the uncomfort of an impending exploratory pre-appendix surgery. Now that was a feeling I'll never forget. I told the nurse I wanted more. She had heard me tell her how I was a recovered alky and to be careful with me. So, that's what she did. When she heard I wanted more, she asked me why. She asked me if I was still in pain. At that point, I did a stupid thing; I told the truth. I said, "No, I just want more." She said, "No." I guess an addict would have been smarter.

    That's my drug history.

  27. Ah Patrick, your tale brings back the fond memories of blackouts (memories of blackouts?), the alcohol seizures, the pissing in my pants without knowing it, the dry heaves every morning, the Dragon hangovers....

    With all that fun, who needs drugs?